


letters to a love not lost

by deanslist



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Happens after the events of 4x20, I would tag this as major character death, and she deserves all the hugs, but then lena's not actually dead because no one dies in my watch, kara writes letters to lena because she's sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 06:36:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21239789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanslist/pseuds/deanslist
Summary: “Time has ceased since the day you have gone, and I am left in this timeless void, functioning but never moving forward, like the phantom zone which stole years of life I could have lived for myself. The only reason why I was able to live along with time is that my pod worked again for some unknown reason.For me to be able to live again, I need you to be that unknown reason.I need you.”—It’s been a year, but Kara still writes to Lena because it’s the only way she can preserve her memory.But, what if the love she thinks she has lost isn’t lost after all?





	letters to a love not lost

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I just wrote. It's 11PM over here. It's wordy. Very wordy. I would not blame you for not sticking around 'til the end. This is me... indulging my imaginations. 
> 
> Still, I hope you enjoy it if you do stick around! Any grammatical errors are all on me!
> 
> Kudos and comments/feedbacks are, as always, very much welcomed.

Page 21, an excerpt.

> _ A missed chance. _
> 
> _ It’s what they call it, Lena. A missed chance. That night we went to Kaznia, we stayed together, didn’t we? We tried to, but you went left and I went right. I should have taken it as a sign, but I had been distracted. I saw things that called out this crippling fear inside of me, so I ran away and met you again in the middle. You tried to go there, I stopped you, and I said we should go up.  _
> 
> _ You were so quick to agree, so quick to trust me, but I know it’s also because you’re so smart you knew it would work. I should have gone with you, but that fear remained in my heart as if it was liquid kryptonite running through my veins. So, I went back. I went back and I erased so much of what could potentially take you away from me. _
> 
> _ I should have stayed with you. Maybe that missed chance of staying by your side could have made a difference. Maybe fate would have been kinder and allowed me to take you out of the warehouse with me. Maybe we would be sitting together in this restaurant right now, talking about work or something else.  _
> 
> _ But, thinking about it is useless now. It’s nothing but a missed chance at this point. _
> 
> _ I guess I did succeed at keeping my secret safe, and by extension, you. _
> 
> _ The warehouse exploded and the small percentage of Lex’s crimes burned with it. At that moment, as I changed back into my civilian clothes and walked out of the warehouse unscathed, I thought we’d finally get to go home together.  _
> 
> _ Save the world together. _
> 
> _ But, what I witnessed that night would forever change the course of our relationship.  _
> 
> _ It already did. _
> 
> _ Who would have thought Eve was smart enough to send a different clone, a smarter and far more dangerous clone, to do Lex's dirty work? _
> 
> _ Who would have thought that your plane would explode right after the warehouse did? _
> 
> _ I listened, you know? Through the deafening pounding of my heart and the ringing in my ears because of the explosion, I listened for you. I looked for you. I dove into hundreds of pieces of sharp metal to look for you, but there’s nothing left of you. _
> 
> _ I once read in a book: knights do not give up in their search for a lost person until they find a dead body.  _
> 
> _ I didn’t find anything, Lena, and that is why I am not giving up. _
> 
> _ Even though there’s nothing else I could get my hands on to have the littlest idea as to where you are right now. Even though my family is starting to worry about me. Even though they think I’m crazy for not letting this go. Even though I, myself, am starting to lose hope... _
> 
> _ I am not giving up.  _
> 
> _ I will keep on looking for you, Lena.  _
> 
> _ Until the sun could no longer love me the way I love you. _

* * *

“You’re still writing, I see.”

Kara took her time in taking her eyes away from the page of her journal. She recognized the voice, would know it from miles away. She didn’t have to look up to acknowledge the person interrupting her break. 

But, to the eyes of many, she was still human, and not acknowledging someone was considered rude — not normal. 

She still had an image to maintain.

“I think it’s obvious,” she said as she lifted her gaze to meet that of Alex’s. “I am still a journalist after all.”

If Alex noted the sarcasm in Kara’s words, she didn’t make it obvious. She sat down across Kara with a heavy sigh, hands immediately clasping together in the middle of the table.

“You know what I’m talking about,” she paused, staring at Kara as if daring her to deny it. “And I’ve told you time and time again, this needs to stop, Kara.”

Kara’s jaws clenched. “Easy for you to say. You have not lost someone you loved,” and then, as if realizing what her words sounded like, she quickly added, “At least, not someone who doesn’t share the same blood as you.”

Kara knew it was unfair of her to say so, but she couldn’t help the hurt still lingering within her. Perhaps, later, when all was said and done -- when she’s taken time to think things through, lick her wounds and get over herself, she’d apologize to Alex, but not right now. Not yet.

“I understand how you feel, Kara,” Alex whispered, voice shaking with a plea. “I lost Maggie, too—”

“Maggie is alive,” Kara punctuated. “Maggie is somewhere out there, and she’s alive and you know it because I told you that so  _ many times _ , but did you ever try to look for her?” 

Silence moved over them like a thick blanket, a tense moment of quiet where Alex only stared at Kara as if she couldn’t recognize her, but knew deep down, under the impenetrable exterior, her sister was still there, simply submerged in the sea of her sorrows, looking for a way to swim up to the surface. 

And, God, Alex wanted to be the one to break the surface for her, pull her out of her misery, but every time she tried to, it’s as if Kara sunk deeper and deeper into the darkness. 

Alex felt  _ helpless _ and she hated it.

“Let me have this, Alex,” Kara whispered, fingers curling over her journal, which was immediately hidden from Alex’s sight. “It’s the only way I could keep her alive--” a pause, Kara choking. “ _ With me. _ ”

Alex wondered if she could save Kara at all.

* * *

Working at Catco had become mundane ever since the new CEO came in.

There’s nothing wrong with the CEO. Not really. As far as Kara was concerned, she did great at bringing out the best in her employees, did very well at encouraging people to reach their fullest potentials. She was doing great at being a leader of the company.

The only mistake she did was remind Kara of  _ her _ now and then.

As a result, every meeting she had with her, every conference she had to accompany her with; Kara would find herself going back in time, reminiscing days in which the person who sat near her was the woman with the strongest drive to do good and be good. 

She’d miss important notes and details for an assignment or two, stutter when prompted with a question, and stumble when pulled so roughly back into reality with the snap of one's fingers.

In spite of all of it, Kara did not feel regret or remorse for being a sloppy journalist. 

The new CEO, Andrea, later on, informed her that the only reason why she hadn’t been fired was because of the Pulitzer she got and the reputation it gave to Catco. 

Too valuable to let go.

Kara still couldn’t find it in herself to care.

* * *

Alex was thankful that Kara wasn’t taking her  _ other job _ for granted, at least. 

These days, with J’onn giving her full control of almost everything at the DEO, Alex barely got out of the HQ because  _ someone _ had to take care of things inside whilst chaos was occurring outside. 

That meant watching Kara fight aliens much stronger than her on the huge screen in front of her for most of the time.

The majority of the agents often claimed that the improvement in Kara’s fighting skills was to be credited to her new suit. 

After a fight with an alien with knife-like limbs a few months ago, Kara’s cape had failed to survive. As a result, Brainy came up with a new technology that would allow Kara to change by just removing her glasses and—

Pants.

People claimed the pants to be the number aid for Kara’s stronger punches, farther throws, and swifter kicks, but Alex, along with J’onn, knew better. 

There was one person fueling this  _ nearly _ savage version of her sister in the field, and while the director in her was glad that it implied lesser chances of Kara blowing out her power, or worse, getting hurt — the sister in her was hurting because the effect was not as positive as she would have wanted it to be. 

Because Kara was careless. Kara was kicking and punching and using her laser beam to  _ hurt _ ; not to save, not to prevent, not to stop. 

Kara was practically unstoppable — reckless in her pursuit to distract herself from the pain that never seemed to leave her heart, and she saw this as she watched her sister pummel the alien’s head into the ground one punch after another. 

It’s only when she pushed a button on her watch that Kara finally slowed down and stopped her fists from their relentless task. 

“Haven’t removed it, huh?” came Kara’s voice from Alex’s comm, and all she could say was:

_ “Affirmative.” _

* * *

Page 23, a tear-stained page.

> _ I recently learned that Andrea Rojas was no coincidence. If she was meant to be the only buyer of Catco when the time came that you had to go, you must have anticipated it, then. Of course, going could mean a lot of things, but death must have been one of them, right? _
> 
> _ Did I fail you that hard? _
> 
> _ For you to anticipate death so early in life? Did I fail at reassuring you that I’ll always be with you? To protect you and believe in you and always be your friend? _
> 
> _ Did I fail at so many things that all my reassurances have fallen into deaf ears? _

* * *

Page 24, an excerpt.

> _ Who am I kidding? _
> 
> _ Of course, I failed you. When the whole thing with synthetic kryptonite happened, I was quick to turn my back on you, wasn’t I? I was quick to doubt every single explanation you gave me, refused to open my eyes to the truths you were saying. Funny how it was only when Sam Reign had you by the neck that I managed to stop and think for a quick second that you were not the enemy; you were not out to kill me, to put me down like I feared you would.  _
> 
> _ I hope you know, wherever you are right now, that I regret the words I spat out of anger and pride.  _
> 
> _ You are not your family, Lena. _
> 
> _ Never was and never will. _

* * *

“Do you see the alien?”

Alex’s voice came out a little cracky in Kara’s ear, but she figured it’s because of the speed with which she flew to chase the alien down. 

It’s the third alien of the month and what made the chase rather hard was the fact that it could conceal itself from predators -- which, in this case, was Kara. She didn’t understand why it was running away from her, but there was an instant reaction from the alien when it saw her. 

Anger. Fear. Panic.

Kara tried to approach it the  _ usual way _ . Communication. Ask and comfort. However, her attempt was met with a bench thrown at her face, and Kara knew she didn’t have any other choice.

The last time she saw it was only a few seconds ago, right beside Catco’s building, looking all angry in red and green hues. 

But then, in a blink of an eye, it was gone like a bubble. The only indication for its location was its heartbeat serving as a beacon for Kara. 

“I can’t see it, Alex—” Kara fumed. “But I can hear its heartbeat. I’m in pursuit.”

It didn’t take too long for Kara to corner the alien someplace far away from buildings and people. Granted, she had to eat dirt to make that happen, but a face full of  _ mountain _ was simply a prerequisite for success — something she didn’t quite get as often in the present. 

Kara brought the alien back to the DEO so they could classify what type of alien it was, where it came from and what its abilities were aside from being able to vanish even from the x-ray vision of a kryptonian.

“Do you want to wait for the results and read it with me later?”

Kara knew Alex was trying, but sometimes, she longed for a different scientist in the laboratory, and she knew she couldn’t blame Alex for anything, but Kara figured it was best she stayed away lest she ended up saying something she could no longer take back.

“I’m sorry, but I’ll pass. I have an article I have to write for Andrea and I haven’t started  _ at all _ ,” Kara sighed as she walked towards the balcony and left, but not before saying, “Gotta write, write, write, you know?”

* * *

Page 26. 

> _ I thought I saw you in the crowd today.  _
> 
> _ I was walking to Catco like I used to do when I was just Cat Grant’s assistant. I thought I’d go back to old ways, you know? See things from old perspectives again.  _
> 
> _ I’ve forgotten just how busy National City was, especially in the mornings. I’ve forgotten how it’s like to try not to spill coffee while conquering the maze of people in the streets. I’ve forgotten the panic of looking down at my watch and seeing that I only have two minutes before I’m considered late for work.  _
> 
> _ I used to experience that a lot, particularly on days when I binge-watched a show the previous night and slept through my alarm the following day. Back then, I couldn’t take advantage of my ability to fly because I was hiding from the world. I didn’t even know how actually. I was too scared to do anything with so many people around me because I feared the possibility of getting exposed.  _
> 
> _ But after becoming Supergirl? I could do anything, almost everything, even, and it was thrilling to a certain degree. And sometimes, it’s easy to forget that I have my weaknesses because most of the time, I’m the one winning. I’m the one always coming out on top. Nowadays, it still happens — and maybe earlier, as I was walking to work, I was beginning to feel a little smug because I was capable of avoiding collisions with anybody, because unlike other people, I didn’t have to worry about falling on the ground as long as the sun is shining upon me. I might as well be floating— _
> 
> _ But my eyes caught a head full of dark hair earlier this morning and I was instantly pulled back to the ground by the thought of you within arm’s reach. I took off my glasses, the one my stepfather made me, and scanned the crowd, looked for you, but I couldn’t find you. I listened for a familiar heartbeat, but it wasn’t there. _
> 
> _ My powers are supposed to help me succeed in things most people could not. Unfortunately, they couldn’t bring you back. _
> 
> _ Sometimes, it’s funny how the very thing that brings me up to the clouds could also be the one to keep me grounded. _

* * *

A few months later, Kara was invited by Alex to her apartment to meet someone. It turned out to be Kelly, James’ sister, and Kara was genuinely elated for her sister. Alex, of all people, truly deserved to be happy, to be with someone who complimented her the way Maggie, unfortunately, did not, so when Alex fidgeted before revealing the other guest for the evening, Kara stepped towards Kelly and gave her the warmest, biggest, and tightest hug she could ever give without breaking any bones. 

Dinner was served as stories were shared — how Alex and Kelly met, how they came to like each other, how Alex struggled with her feelings because she didn’t know how to go back to liking someone after falling so deeply in love in the past, feared that she might not treat Kelly the way she deserved to be treated. 

Kara heard the story of how Kelly reassured Alex that she was willing to wait, to walk with Alex hand in hand until she was ready, and how it didn’t take long for Alex to accept her feelings for Kelly.

Needless to say, Alex seemed like she was finally getting her happy ending.

As wine bottles were emptied, she wondered when her happy ending was coming, or if it was coming at all.

* * *

“Brainy’s device is detecting an unknown substance within the perimeter,” Alex spoke into her comm, gaze sharp and alert as she scanned the  _ abandoned _ laboratory in Midvale. “Facing the board, it’s at three o’clock. I’ll watch the doors, you check it. Be careful, Supergirl.”

“Copy,” Kara nodded to herself as she moved to the direction Alex had given her. Placed on a table was a plain box, unsuspicious to the untrained eye, but quite alarming for someone like Kara. 

It’s risky, opening a box with an unknown substance contained in it, and she should probably do it somewhere close and contained, but she was in no mood to spend a second longer in Midvale. 

She unceremoniously flipped the lid of the box, blinking when all she saw was a little bottle with something black and gooey inside it. It moved constantly, slow but steady as if searching for something to latch on. 

Now, Kara didn’t have the best experience with things that latched on, so Kara took the lid of the box and slapped it back on top. 

“What is it?” 

“Black, sort of glittery, and very gooey and mobile, Alex,” she informed as she lifted the box carefully from the table and turned to leave. “I’m bringing it in.”

“Sounds alive,” Alex snorted. “Does it make sounds?”

Kara rolled her eyes goodnaturedly. “Guess we’ll find out.”

* * *

Page 39, a torn page.

> _ The new year is almost here. There’s still no sign of yo  _
> 
> _ Do I give up now, Lena? _
> 
> _ I’m exhausted. I know I get my powers from t _
> 
> _ and I really wish you are here with us as we c _
> 
> _ you’re not and I’m sorry Lex did this to you. I’m sor _
> 
> _ shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have let you go after Ev _

* * *

Kara flipped the paper over for the third time, tracing the jagged line from where it was torn away from its page. 

The city was loud and alive with the celebrations of the coming new year. Behind her, inside her apartment, were James, Alex, Kelly, Brainy, Nia, and J’onn, sharing glasses of wine and delicious finger food for them to enjoy. 

Kara wished a shooting sky would pass over her head. Surely, her keen vision would allow her to see through the dirt left by fireworks and the brightness from the city below. If one did, she would wish for Lena to be here with them, telling them she wasn’t sure what to bring, so she brought both red and white wine. 

It never came, though.

Pursing her lips, she picked up her glass of scotch and emptied its content without a single twitch of a muscle in her face. She allowed its warmth to trickle down her throat, allowed it to fool her into thinking she was human for just a brief moment. 

And, Rao, did she feel human at that time because across the balcony of her apartment was a condominium unit at the opposite side of the street, and there stood a woman whose face Kara could barely see or recognize. 

She blinked deliberately, tried to clear her vision before squinting, but her x-ray vision didn’t seem to be working at that time.

She frowned and looked down at her empty glass, then back up at the unit across the street, only to find no one standing there anymore.

The frown remained on her face as she pondered over what just happened. Did human alcohol affect her now? Who was that woman?

“Kara?”

Alex’s voice sliced through her thoughts, effectively snapping her out of them. She turned to look at her sister, doing her best impression of a smile as she replied, “Yeah?”

“We’re starting the countdown any moment now. You wanna come inside and join us?”

Kara pulled her lower lip between her teeth and spared the dark unit one last look, before sighing heavily in surrender.

“Of course,” she smiled and joined the rest of her family inside her apartment. 

It was probably just the alcohol. Kara would have to inform Alex about its effects on her later. 

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr @ dcanslist


End file.
